What’s more offensive: pubes, fanny or frigid?

by Martha Hudsuckle

My name is Martha and I do not find the words “pubes” and “fanny” offensive. The article below was refused publication by the Herald Sun because it contains said offensive words.

The article’s author,  Kitty Flanagan will be performing at the

Melbourne International Comedy Festival

April 9^th – 21^st

Kitty’s yumorous article, however, will not be appearing in the Herald Sun because they are wowsers.

I am many things, (an old bag, a woman with a moustache) but I am most definitely not a wowser.

That is why I am publishing the uncensored version of Kitty’s piece below …

Celebrity Sex Rankings

by Kitty Flanagan

 Ryan Gosling is atomic. At sex. How do I know? I read a piece in a magazine that rated celebrities on their sexual prowess. And according to a source, RG is intense and stares right into your eyes while you’re “doing it” which is not creepy apparently, it’s atomic with an exclamation mark! That’s right, Ryan Gosling is a nuclear powerhouse in the sack.

This article raises a lot of questions. The first of which is, what was I doing reading such risable poppycock? In my defence, I was on a plane. You do a lot of stuff you wouldn’t usually do when you’re on a plane, you eat food you don’t want, you go to the toilet with 400 strangers sitting right outside the door and you read trashy magazines.

But lets get back to the big question. How do they know? How do they know he is atomic in bed? I’ve seen Ryan Gosling interviewed and he always comes across as fairly modest, so I can’t imagine he offered up this information himself.

INTERVIEWER: Ryan, can I ask what you’re like in bed?

 RYAN GOSLING: Yes, of course you can, I’m more than happy to talk about my sex life with you, a person I’ve never met before. Okay, let me think, what am I like “on the job”?  Well, if I had to pick one word, it would probably be atomic. On one occasion I actually singed a lady’s pubes off with my nuclear lovemaking. They don’t call me “Radioactive Goz-Man” for nothing.

So assuming these details didn’t come from the Goz-man, exactly where did they come from? (I suspect straight from the “journalist’s” arse.)  Because it wasn’t just Ryan Gosling in the frame, at least a dozen other celebrities were also reviewed and ranked for hotness.

Mr Gosling was by far the high scorer though. Others sat much lower on the sex thermometer, one was even given the grade “glacial”. Predictably, it was a woman who fell into this category.

Jennifer Aniston was not only deemed glacial but also “frigid”. Which stopped me in my tracks and threw up yet another question. Did I just travel back in time? Frigid?  When did we start using that pejorative again? I had to flick back and check the cover to make sure I hadn’t accidentally picked up a 1970’s Playboy.

Frigid?  Who says that?

More importantly, what magazine purporting to be for women says that? “This woman is frigid!” Oh come on. I’d expect it from Nuts Magazine or Balls To The Wall Monthly but a woman’s mag? Where’s the solidarity sisters?

Which brings me to either the most questionable or the most impressive part of the article. All these sources who provided first hand accounts of what it was like to sleep with a celebrity.

Who are they? And  how on earth did the magazine track them all down?

For if this article is true – and I believe it must be because it would be libelous and defamatory to print such things if they weren’t true – then this is a stellar example of investigative journalism.  It must have taken months to conduct all those interviews and compile all those sex stats, not to mention the science involved in accurately measuring carnal hotness. I only wish, in the interest of fair and balanced reporting, the celebs had been given right of reply.

But my guess is Frigid Friend “Jen” had no interest in talking to a magazine about her ice cold fanny.

I wonder why.

Have your say: have you ever conditioned your pubes to try and soften them?